A few ways to prevent fights between couples when financial planning is to have shared goals written out before doing any planning at all, and focus on what matters rather than who's right.
A new IPSOS poll conducted on behalf of BMO showed that one in three, that is, 34%, of partnered couples view money as a source of conflict in their relationships. Do you relate to this?
If you are finding that divested financial priorities are causing strife in your relationship, then relationship money management techniques are in order.
Shift Conversation from Who's Right to What Matters
In a lot of money conflicts, the conversation always focuses on who's right. That causes the financial conversation to deteriorate. Stop trying to prove that your approach is the right way to do things.
Instead of debating numbers, ask questions like:
- What does financial security mean to you?
- What worries you most about money?
- What does a "good life" look like in your mind?
These questions will lead to conversations that will help each party understand the other better, and that can result in better money conflict resolution than any other arguments.
Create Shared Goals before Debating Details
Before going into the details of financial planning, you will want to set up your shared financial goals. This will make the process of finding a middle ground much easier.
These goals don't have to be overly specific at first. Broad alignment, such as wanting stability, freedom, or less stress, creates a foundation for compromise.
Follow the SMART goal-setting technique to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Once you set up shared goals, it will be easier for you to find a compromise.
Your goal achievement will become collaborative rather than competitive.
Separate Fixed Needs from Flexible Wants
There is always one partner in a relationship who spends more than the other, and this can result in major financial conflict and confusion. Not all financial priorities should carry the same weight, and that needs to be clearly delineated from the beginning.
Some expenses are essential, while others are negotiable. Make sure to differentiate between the two.
Try categorizing expenses into:
- Non-negotiables (housing, utilities, basic savings)
- Important but flexible items (travel, dining, hobbies)
- Personal discretionary spending
Both partners can thus stay autonomous while also sharing financial responsibility.
Use Structure to Reduce Emotional Conflict
Do not have money conversations at the dinner table or before falling asleep. Unstructured conversations like these are the reason why most conflicts between couples happen.
Helpful strategies include:
- Scheduling regular money check-ins
- Setting clear agendas for financial discussions
- Reviewing progress instead of revisiting old arguments
- Keeping conversations time-limited
Don't have conversations about money when you are tired, upset, stressed out, or anxious. They are not going to be productive.
Think about money talks as problem-solving sessions rather than emotional showdowns. In fact, money conversations should stay as far away from emotionality as possible.
If either of you starts getting emotional, step away and begin again later when you are calmer.
Compromise Doesn't Have to Mean Sacrifice
Couples worry about financial compromises because they feel like it means they aren't going to get what they want. You don't have to sacrifice everything to have a productive money conversation.
You want both parties to feel heard and respected, and that means finding a proper middle ground that's the best of both worlds. You aren't trying to get one up over anyone.
You are in a partnership here, and that means you want both parties to succeed, no matter what the circumstances. Middle ground might look like:
- Saving aggressively and budgeting for enjoyment (Empower | The Currency)
- Paying down debt while still allowing small indulgences
- Balancing riskier investments with conservative ones
Think about mutual gain rather than compromise.
Respect Different Financial Roles
Your partner might make more money than you or vice versa. Or one partner might be a bigger spender than the other, more impulsive in their spending, and need more reining in.
Whatever the case, you are probably quite different in your financial habits, and that needs to be accounted for when it comes to financial goal setting.
Each partner needs to take on a different financial role in the relationship. One person might be better at managing details, and another might be more into big-picture planning.
Knowing this about each other and respecting these differences will reduce quite a bit of conflict down the financial road.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Should Couples Deal with Financial Power Imbalances?
In a lot of cases, one partner earns more than the other and thus ends up controlling a lot of the financial decisions. This needs to be addressed and spoken about honestly from the beginning of the relationship.
Openly speaking about this imbalanced power dynamic and then sharing financial decision-making can avoid conflicts. Money should be a tool for partnership, not conflict.
When Should Couples Seek Outside Support for Finances?
Sometimes, it's not enough for a couple to chat about money among themselves. They need an outsider, a financial expert, who can help them gauge where they are financially and how to get ahead.
If you feel like every conversation about money dissolves into a conflict and you never feel like you are getting ahead, it might be time to bring in an objective outsider. Financial counselors or couples therapists trained in money issues can offer neutral guidance and practical tools.
Remember, seeking help is not admitting defeat. It's taking a proactive step toward long-term stability.
Seek Out Shared Financial Priorities in a Relationship
Disagreements over money don't mean that your relationship is broken. It just means that your financial priorities need adjusting.
When money becomes a team effort, the relationship benefits far beyond the balance sheet. Have money conversations, set clear goals for the future, and feel excited to build your financial future. It's time for you to experience financial freedom and money joy.
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