Therapists offer advice for long-lasting relationships

Published: Tuesday, January 24, 2012 @ 5:57 PM
Updated: Tuesday, January 24, 2012 @ 5:57 PM

If you’re hoping to celebrate eons of Valentine’s Days with your significant other, you may want to pay attention to Linda and Charlie Bloom.

The two marriage counselors, wed for more than 38 years to one another, have co-authored books on the subject, including “101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married” and their latest, “Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth From Real Couples About Lasting Love.”

For the recent book, the Blooms, both psychotherapists, interviewed 44 happy couples and chatted informally with many more. Their goal was to come up with practical advice that might aid others in maintaining long-term, loving unions.

“They had all been together an average of 30 years,” says Charlie, who said couples represented a range of races, religions and ethnicities. They were both gay and straight. Most were formally married.

It turns out happy doesn’t necessarily mean tranquil. Charlie says many of the “happy” couples were quite opinionated and could be volatile at times.

“We expected that people who felt really happy and fulfilled wouldn’t have many differences and would have very infrequent conflict,” he says. “Although it was true that overall there wasn’t much conflict, there were profound differences. What distinguished these couples was that they were able to relate to their differences with appreciation and gratitude rather than merely tolerating them or judging and being in resistance. They believed their differences added something rich to their relationship.”

Linda Bloom says it’s important to find out what your partner wants, then help him or her get it.

“If you have any doubts about what it is they might like as an ongoing gift through the next year, just ask: ‘How may I best love you?’ If you’re the one being asked, be honest.”

Here’s more advice from the Blooms based on their conversations with “happy” couples:

Pay attention! More marriages die of neglect than of irreconcilable differences. Relationships require on-going maintenance in order to thrive. Many of us take better care of our cars than we do our marriages. And although we wouldn’t think of driving 50,000 miles without changing the oil, we go months without saying “I love you,” going on a romantic getaway, or simply taking a few hours to be alone together.

Address problems when they come up; don’t wait until later. Problems generally don’t get easier to deal with over time; they get harder and more entrenched. While upsets and disappointments are inevitable in all relationships, they are best dealt with sooner, rather than later. Pain denied is pain prolonged.

Take care of yourself. The best gift that you can give your partner is your own well being. The more healthy, happy and fulfilled you are, the more you have to offer others. Taking care of yourself involves more than what you eat and how much you exercise, it includes the responsibility to know what nourishes your soul and spirit and seeing to it that you bring those experiences into your life.

Learn to appreciate the differences. There’s a reason that opposites attract. It’s because they each have something to offer that the other is lacking. Yet the differences can evolve into conflict when we try to coerce others to agree with us.

Take time to make love. One of the first expectations of a distressed marriage can be a diminishment in the frequency of sexual activity. Great sex is more than just an experience of sensual pleasure. It’s a means through which we delight in each other’s bodies, give expression to our desires, show our love and share the joy of losing ourselves in bliss. If the flame of sexuality is neglected too long, the spark may go out. Don’t wait until the embers are cold; talk about what you want and what’s missing and keep playing.

Don’t take your relationship for granted. There’s no such thing as a divorce-proof marriage. If you think your marriage is so perfect that divorce isn’t even a possibility, think again. This belief can lead to a kind of complacency. While this may not always lead to divorce, it can lead to something equally dangerous: a flat or stagnant marriage. Staying together isn’t the goal of a great marriage, thriving is. Thriving means never taking each other for granted and continually expanding our capacity for joy, love and growth. It’s a lifetime process, and the more you do it the easier it gets.

Don’t let disappointments turn into resentments. In an effort to avoid conflict many of us try to get over feelings of anger or disappointment. There is no problem with doing this when we can genuinely and completely let these feelings go. If we can’t, they are likely to turn into resentment and become a toxic presence in our relationship.

Don’t wait too long to get help. The average couple that enters marriage counseling has been troubled for six years. By this time, it’s likely that workable difficulties have disintegrated into entrenched patterns. By all means, do everything that you can to handle challenges on your own, but be willing to recognize when your best efforts aren’t doing the trick.

Remember to play. When work and play get out of balance in a marriage a correction needs to be made. Those times that we think that we don’t have the time to relax and play with each other are when we most need to. It doesn’t require a long tropical vacation to reinvigorate a relationship. Sometimes a short break from a life of ongoing responsibilities can be enough to remind us of why we wanted to be together in the first place.

Learn to forgive. Nothing erodes the foundation of a marriage faster than grudge-holding. It’s poison that over time is highly destructive. Although feelings of disappointment, hurt or irritation are inevitable in all close relationships, they can dissolve when there is a willingness to forgive and let go of resentment. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s a process that occurs gradually and incrementally over time. It isn’t always easy and sometimes it doesn’t even seem possible, but with an intention to heal, steps in the right direction can be taken even in the most strained of circumstances. Don’t wait too long to learn to forgive. Do it now.

Linda Bloom says long-term happy couples continue to learn and grow.

“They are curious and have a sense of wonder, like kids,” she says. “They don’t suffer from hardening of the attitudes.”

Top Halloween food safety tips

Published: Saturday, October 14, 2017 @ 8:47 AM

How A Teal Pumpkin Can Save A Child’s Life

From bobbing for apples at a party to devouring a bucket of candy, food is definitely a big part of enjoying Halloween. But it can also lead to problems such as food-related illnesses, allergic reactions or even incidents such as choking.

>> Read more trending news


The following top Halloween food safety tips from the FDA  and the CDC will help keep your guests and little ghosts and goblins safe.


Prevent an allergic reaction
If your child has a food allergy, the following can let them enjoy their Halloween haul while avoiding any problematic foods:

Look for teal pumpkins
Families who display teal pumpkins offer non-candy treats for trick-or-treaters who may have allergies.

Check all treats
Make sure your child knows not to eat any candy before you check it at home. Look for ingredient lists on pre-packaged candy, and throw out any homemade treats since you can’t positively identify their ingredients.

Buy treats for your child
Buy some small trinkets (check out the non-candy suggestions listed below) to give your children on Halloween. That way, if they end up not being able to eat much of their candy, they won’t feel left out. 

Exchange or donate what your child can’t eat
Find a local Halloween Candy Buy Back event in your area where kids can exchange candy for cash or prizes. You can also donate candy to active duty service members or other organizations. 

Check for signs of tampering
Although tampering with candy is rare, it does happen. The CDC recommends consuming only factory-sealed food items. Look for any evidence of the following:

  • An unusual appearance
  • Discoloration
  • Tiny pinholes
  • Tears in wrappers

Throw out homemade treats unless they’re from someone you know very well. If something looks suspicious, throw it out, and if you find actual evidence of tampering, notify the police.

Eliminate choking hazards
Some Halloween treats can be choking hazards, especially for small children. Look through their bags to eliminate the following:

  • Peanuts
  • Hard candies
  • Gum
  • Raisins
  • Gooey candy like caramel, taffy or marshmallows
  • Small toys such as balls or marbles
In addition, make sure kids don’t lie down when they’re eating their Halloween candy, since this can increase their risk of choking.

Make sure treats you serve at home are safe
Candy from outside your home isn’t the only possible treat-related danger. If you’re hosting a Halloween party or planning other holiday activities for your family, take the following precautions:

Clean fruit
If you’re bobbing for apples, rinse them thoroughly and use a produce brush.

Avoid raw dough
Don’t eat raw cookie dough or cake batter, which can contain bacteria.

Refrigerate properly
Don’t leave food out on the table or counter for too long. Keep items refrigerated until they’re ready to serve, and don’t leave perishable foods out for more than two hours.

Offer non-food alternatives
You don’t have to limit yourself to handing out candy. Kids enjoy small toys or other treats, and you won’t have to worry about allergies or stuffing them with too much candy. Dollar stores are great places to pick up multiple items packaged together, such as the following:
  • Glow sticks
  • Plastic rings with spiders, skulls, etc.
  • Small bubble bottles
  • Stickers
  • Mini notepads
  • Bouncy balls
  • Pencils
  • Erasers
  • Vampire teeth
  • Temporary tattoos
  • Stencils
  • Silly bands
  • Small playing cards
  • Small cans of Play-Doh
  • Finger puppets

Trick-or-treating: Top safety tips

Published: Friday, October 13, 2017 @ 6:35 PM

No Tricks, Just Treats: How to Have a Safe Halloween

Halloween should be about treats, but some tricks such as dangerous situations can quickly ruin the fun. The following trick-or-treating safety tips can help you and your kids avoid issues.

COSTUME SAFETY
Costumes and other components can create hazards if you’re not careful. The following tips from the Centers for Disease Control and the National Safety Council will help you make sure your child’s disguise doesn’t cause any hazards:

  • Look for light-colored, flame-resistant costumes
    Look for masks, wigs, costumes and other components that are labeled as flame-resistant or made of flame-resistant fabrics such as polyester or nylon. Also choose light-colored costumes when possible since they’re easier for drivers to spot at night.
  • Look for a proper fit
    Make sure all masks, shoes and other parts of your child’s costume fit well. He or she should be able to see well and walk without tripping over a costume that drags the ground or because of shoes that are too large. 
  • Take care with makeup
    Buy only nontoxic Halloween makeup, and always test it in a small area first, the CDC recommends. Remove it before bedtime to help prevent irritation.
  • Use safe accessories
    Use swords, knives and other accessories made of soft materials that won’t cause injury if your child falls on them.
  • Make your child more visible.
    The CDC suggests adding reflective tape to your child’s costume and treat bag to make him or her more visible.
  • Protect their eyes
    Skip wearing decorative contact lenses to avoid injuring your eyes, and don’t let your kids wear them.

ROAD SAFETY

Drive carefully and keep your kids safe as they navigate neighborhood streets with the following tips:

  • Slow down and be cautious
    If you’re driving on Halloween, slow down in residential neighborhoods and watch out for trick-or-treaters who may unexpectedly dart into the street. Especially if they’re wearing dark costumes, they can be difficult to see. 
  • Be visible
    Turn your headlights on, even if it’s still light outside, so you’ll be more visible to trick-or-treaters.
  • Arm trick-or-treaters with flashlight
    Make sure your trick-or-treaters carry a flashlight with fresh batteries, but teach them to carry it facing downward so they don’t temporarily blind oncoming drivers.
  • Stick to sidewalks
    Walk on sidewalks when possible, and if they’re not available, walk on the left side of the road so you’re facing traffic.
  • Cross the street safely
    Cross streets only at the corner, and never cross between parked vehicles.
  • Make sure kids are supervised
    If you’re not accompanying your kids, ensure that they’re going with another adult or an older, responsible young person if they’re under 12. 

    CANDY SAFETY
    Make sure you child’s candy doesn’t cause any harm with the following tips:
  • Inspect your child’s candy
    Tell your kids to wait until you can look through their candy at home before they eat any. Tampering is rare, but it does happen. Look for any tears in wrappers, tiny pinholes, or anything that looks discolored or unusual. Throw out anything that isn’t commercially wrapped, unless it’s a homemade treat from someone you personally know well.
  • Check for allergens
    If your child has a food allergy, read the ingredient label of commercially wrapped treats to make sure it doesn’t contain any allergens. Skip homemade treats, since you can’t be sure of what they contain.
  • Look for teal pumpkins
    If you see a teal pumpkin at a home, that signifies that it’s safe for trick-or-treaters with food allergies since the homeowners offer non-food treats like small toys. Look for homes that display these if your child has allergies, and provide this welcoming sign of safe treats for kids who visit your home.
  • Check for choking hazards
    Check through non-candy treats to make sure they’re not a choking hazard to your child if he or she is younger. Also go through their candy and eliminate any hard candies or any other items they could choke on.
SAFE TRICK-OR-TREAT LOCATIONS
Choose the safest locations for your child to visit with the following tips:
  • Visit ‘trunk or treat’ events
    Organizations such as churches often hold trunk or treat events where people decorate their opened trucks and hand out candy. This helps children stay in a confined area and avoid streets and traffic.
  • Hit the mall
    Malls sometimes have Halloween events where stores give out candy to children in costume. You’ll avoid traffic and other outdoor hazards while ensuring that weather won’t be a factor.
  • Check with neighborhood associations
    If you live in a community with a neighborhood association, these organizations often have information about which houses are handing out candy. The association may also host a clubhouse party for the holiday.
  • Use Nextdoor’s treat map
    The social network site for neighborhoods has a Halloween treat map that lets you and your neighbors “advertise” that you’ll be handing out Halloween candy. You can use it to plan the best route for your trick-or-treaters.
  • Know which houses to avoid
    Several states prohibit registered sex offenders from handing out candy on Halloween, and at least one, Maryland, requires them to post “No candy at this residence” signs. You can also check the U.S. Department of Justice’s website for links to your state’s sex offender registry or download a mobile app that you can use along the way to tell you which homes to avoid.

Best 2017 pop culture Halloween costumes

Published: Friday, October 13, 2017 @ 5:35 PM

The Spooky History of Halloween

Halloween is the perfect time to make a statement about this year’s pop culture hits and misses. According to Insider, some of the most popular pop culture Halloween costumes in 2017 will include pregnant Kylie Jenner, Wonder Woman and a Playboy Bunny.

According to Quartz, what this says about us, besides that we like to dress up, is that our collective psyche is riddled with TV and movies. But Quartz also pointed out the common human desire to be more powerful, which is why superheroes are a Halloween fashion staple.

Other pop culture favorites appearing this Halloween season include any costume that has Disney characters. In September, Pinterest noted that just the term “Disney costume” has been pinned more than 675,000 times this year, with Belle and Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast” leading the pack.

A costume that became cliché in its first season is Pennywise, the kid-killing clown from the screen adaptation of Stephen King’s “It.” Pinterest saves for clown makeup and costumes are up 941 percent this year. If you must join the horde, please, please, step away from red balloons near sewers in suburban neighborhoods. Other pop culture Halloween costume popular on Pinterest included “Baywatch” characters, frat boys and Wednesday Addams. One of the most popular Halloween makeup options is pixelated face makeup, which has been pinned more than 26,000 times. 

>> Read more trending news

Hit pop culture Halloween costumes from the media
Ripped-straight-from-the-headlines costumes make their own kind of scary Halloween statements, even if those headlines come straight from TMZ or People.

Fake News: Insider reports a mini dress of newspaper clippings stamped “Fake” in big red letters sold by costume retailer Yandy.
 
Pregnant Kylie Jenner: You may not be unique, but you’ll be in good company in one of Yandy’s $60 pregnant Kylie Jenner costume.
 
Hef and a Playboy bunny: 2017 claimed the life of  Hugh Hefner. Sure, dressing as the dapper (if elderly) Hef and a Playboy bunny is a time-honored Halloween tradition, but this year’s news adds a morbid touch to the Playmate (Yandy, $80) and Hugh Hefner (Target, $40) couples costume.
 
Dancing hot dog from Snapchat: The wildly popular dancing meme from Snapchat makes a hot pop culture Halloween costume. You can pick up a  $40 hot dog suit from Target, but you must supply the over-the-ear headphones yourself.
 
Handmaid: Hulu’s 2017 hit, based on the Margaret Atwood novel, "The Handmaid's Tale," is a dark metaphor for the current civil rights and political climate. A handmaid ensemble is easy to pull off for one or a group, from thrift store finds or ready-made purchases like the $64 version from Azure Costumes.
 
La La Land: Another great couples’ idea from the Pinterest people, and if you can jitterbug and whatnot, all the better. For the snarkiest, include a “Moonlight” costume in the group as a nod to the 2017 Best Picture Oscars mix-up.
 
April the Giraffe and her baby from Animal Adventure Park: With giraffe costumes and make-up running wild on Pinterest (up 1,200 percent from last year, unless someone made a typo), what a great time to dress as the ever-pregnant and finally a mom April the Giraffe. Depending on your companions and physical condition, you may want to go for pregnant April, during her eternal labor, or with her offspring.
 
Kinder, gentler pop culture costumes
Groot: According to Pinterest, searches for this soulful, leafy “Guardians of the Galaxy” character’s costume have gone up 133 percent in the past year. It’s a more involved costume than most, with those branches and all, but it has the prime advantage of also having a baby costume option: Baby Groot from “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.”

Bob Ross and Tree: That’s a happy tree, mind you, a perfect foil to 2017’s political and environmental strife. And hey, Pinterest reports 25,000-plus saves on the costume idea.
 
Unicorns: Rainbows and sparkles will be in the forecast for Halloween 2017 trick-or-treating and costume parties for sure, with searches for unicorn costumes up 110 percent this year on Pinterest. According to Quartz, “The draw seems to be childlike positivity and magical thinking, allowing people see themselves and the world through rose- (and cobalt-) colored glasses.”
 
“My Little Pony”: With the 2017 release of the “My Little Pony” movie, the  animated characters should give you plenty of sweet costume options for every optimist on the block. Just be sure your costume has a pony name and a birthday on Equestria.

Most popular Halloween costumes for 2017

Published: Friday, October 13, 2017 @ 11:36 AM

No Tricks, Just Treats: How to Have a Safe Halloween

The National Retail Federation predicts that 179 million Americans will partake in Halloween festivities in 2017 and that 48 percent plan to dress up. That’s a lot of costumes! Those trying to stand out for a party or costume contest and those who want to fit in with the rest of the trick-or-treat crowd can both benefit from these predictions for the top costume picks for Halloween 2017 from the NRF and Pinterest.

>> Read more trending news 

 
Most popular children’s Halloween costumes for 2017
The little ones will be dressing up as heroes this Halloween, with more than 3.7 children planning to dress as action characters or superheroes, according to the NRF. That figure doesn’t even include the Caped Crusader. Batman on his own will provide costume inspiration for 2.9 million child Halloween costumes, tied for second with a generic princess in the NRF rankings. Wonder Woman also makes a solo appearance on the list. 
 
The entire NRF Top 10 list of the most popular Halloween costumes for kids:
 
1. Action/superhero 
2. Batman character tied with Princess
3. Animal (cat, dog, monkey)
4. Spider-Man
5. Star Wars character
6. Witch
7. Marvel Superhero (excluding Spider-Man) tied with Pirate
8. Ghost
9. Disney Princess
10. Wonder Woman
 
 
Most popular adult Halloween costumes for 2017
 
In September, Pinterest and fashion search platform Lyst released predictions for the top Halloween costumes of 2017. The list included a frightening trend: costume ideas spawned by the kid-killing clown Pennywise in the screen adaptation of Stephen King’s “It.” Searches for clown makeup have increased by 941 per cent on Pinterest this year, and Lyst also reported a rise in searches for shirts with expansive ruffled shoulders and pom-pom shoes like the odious clown wears.
 
It may sound like a stretch but … giraffes are another go-to costume for Halloween this year. Pinterest data indicated pins for giraffe costumes ideas and makeup tutorials are up 1,200 percent compared to 2016, and Lyst data also indicated a 27 percent increase in searches for giraffe fashions since this past June. You can thank April the giraffe, and her long pregnancy that was one of the top viral stories of 2017.

The TV set and other streaming devices also helped make certain costumes popular. This is the second season for “Stranger Things” character costumes to be making the trick-or-treat and party rounds, with 40 percent more Pinterest saves year over year. These costumes have the added allure of being simple to make and wear, especially the trucker hats and ‘80s T-shirts Pinterest and Lyst are predicting.
 
“Game of Thrones” characters were up 91 percent on Pinterest and Jon Snow all by his lonesome had 280 percent increased costume saves on Pinterest. Quartz has a helpful hint for anyone wanting to jump in on this costume trend. Those gnarly Night’s Watch capes are repurposed IKEA rugs.
 
Just in from the 2017 widescreen, Pinterest users currently have more than 230,000 Wonder Woman costume ideas saved while pins of Beauty and the Beast characters have jumped 680 percent, including some sweet group costumes for Gaston and the milkmaids.


Here are some other top choices on Pinterest for Halloween 2017:

Top group costumes
 
Daenerys and Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones”
 
“Baywatch” cast members 
 
“Stranger Things” cast members 
 
Top family costumes
 
“Beauty and the Beast”
 
“Jurassic Park” 
 
Mother of Dragons (Daenerys) 
 
Top solo costumes
 
Wonder Woman 
 
Hippie 
 
Girl Scout 
 
Makeup
 
Unicorn 
 
Giraffe 
 
Spider-Woman