Posted: 12:45 p.m. Friday, Sept. 27, 2013
By Celebrity Hot Tub
Let's first take a look at the early contenders for Failball MVP:
Quarterback: The leading scorer across all positions through Week 3, Christian Ponder has leaned on an impressive interception to touchdown passes ratio, a reliably low completion percentage, and a steady sack rate. Of course, now he's injured and will miss at least one week, but I'm confident Ponder will continue to be a Failball superstar once he gets healthy.
Running Back: The Law Firm of BenJarvus Green-Ellis is here to serve you, Failball client! We specialize in:
- not being a factor in the passing game
- maritime law
- averaging less than three yards a carry
Disclaimer: BenJarvus Green-Ellis is not a licensed attorney, and if you hire him, you will lose your case, even if the Bills are your opponent. Doug Marrone is one hell of a litigator, mostly because he's got grip strength you wouldn't believe.
Defense: The New York Giants only have 3 sacks on the year, have only forced four turnovers, and are giving up nearly 40 points a game. They are a Failball cornucopia, but they have done Alfie Crow not a bit of good since he refuses to start them. Don't be afraid to be great, Alfie.
Kicker:Rian Lindell already has missed kicks from inside 40 and 50 yards and benefits from playing on a Tampa offense so moribund getting into field goal range is a Moses and the Israelites in the desert scenario: it takes 40 years and several miracles to get there.
Of course, it's not all corked wine and crushed roses in Failball. Sometimes, the player you depended on to lead you to victory throws you a curveball and starts playing well. Here are the early busts in our league:
Quarterback:Matt Ufford was depending on Philip Rivers to continue his steady decline. Could he throw an interception and fumble on the same play? Could he finish the year with more sacks than completed passes? The sky was the limit, but then Philip Rivers (record scratch) flipped the script, racking up a 70% completion rate and 8 touchdowns to 1 pick through three weeks.
Running Back: Who is this Fred Jackson impostor averaging over 5 yards per carry, not turning the ball over, staying healthy, and catching lots of passes? Why aren't the Buffalo police investigating this crime? Does nobody care that up is down and down is up now???
Defense: Dallas is second in the NFL in sacks and is allowing under 20 points per game, but we'll assume Jon Bois keeps starting them because he knows something we don't, like "DeMarcus Ware is secretly addicted to Twizzlers and is about to be suspended for the rest of the year because Roger Goodell says no candy after 8 pm."
Kicker: Caleb Sturgis hasn't missed on a single field goal try this year, including two from beyond 50 yards. Sturgis was awesome last year for the Florida Gators, and this is why it's important to watch college football so you don't end up saying things like "gosh that Logan Thomas sure did look great at the combine."
All is not lost for the teams suffering from these disappointingly great performances, however. Here are the best players still available on the Failball waiver wire today.
Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger is averaging 11 Failball points per game, gettin' sacked and fumblin' and just doin' Big Ben shit. If you have ethical concerns about the man's behavior off the field, isn't this EXACTLY the sort of league where you should want him on your roster?
Running Back: Question - which of the following things has David Wilson done this season?
a) caught a pass
b) scored a touchdown
c) had a run of 20 yards or more
d) accidentally fallen asleep inside an airplane bathroom
Answer: We can prove it's not a, b, or c, so d is the most likely answer.
Defense: The Steelers defense has yet to force a turnover and has only sacked opposing quarterbacks three times. It's likely they won't be this bad all season, but it might not hurt to stash them on your bench and hope that they will.
Kicker: Honestly? I'm seriously disappointed Randy Bullock isn't on someone's roster. Just look at this.
That right there? That's Failball, people.