Posted: 1:00 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 9, 2013
By Armchair Analyst
As the cab pulled up to his door, Henry Josey thanked the driver and made sure to tip well. He walked up the stairs to his third floor apartment at Brookside Midtown (The most affordable and convenient apartments in Columbia, stop in and grab a flyer today!) and slunk into his (spacious and fully furnished!) room. Henry was in a funk. Normally, he would spend his Tuesday going from national park to national park putting out potential forest fires, but today he had been turned away at the gate. Apparently, the US government was in some sort of "shutdown" that wouldn't allow him to perform his weekly routine. It was a very troubling predicament indeed. If Henry couldn't get into the parks and prevent the fires, thousands of innocent woodland creatures would surely meet their doom. He needed to remedy the situation, and fast. But how?
After placing a few calls to his local representatives, the picture started to come together. Both sides of the aisle were too stubborn to make any compromises, and they were drifting farther apart every day. As he continued to gather information, it became clear to Henry that if he wanted to save his furry friends he would have to take matters into his own hands. His mind was made up, Henry Josey was going to Washington.
Several hours later, Josey arrived in the nation's capitol. He smiled, he had averaged a new personal per-mile best on his run there. Unfortunately, there was no time for him to celebrate the PR. He had work to do. After a quick scan of his surroundings, Henry spotted the Capitol Building and started walking that way. Along his route, he came upon several people who had also experienced difficulties because of the shutdown.
It wasn't long until Josey had arrived at his destination. He clenched his fists and made his way up to the door, taking the stairs two at a time. Reaching the top, he attempted to open the doors but found them to be locked. The running back was about to knock when he picked up a strange sound from inside. Placing his ear against the door, he heard something that nearly knocked him off his feet. Laughter. And not just any laughter, mind you. No, this was a cackle that Henry was all too familiar with.
With a swift kick, Josey reduced the heavy wooden door to splinters. He stepped inside and took a look around, attempting to find the origin of the noise he had heard. The inside of the Capitol Building looked like a set from a zombie apocalypse movie. Strewn about the place were half-written letters, furniture, piles of a strange, white goo, and feathers. Big, blue feathers. He bent down and picked one up. There were flecks of dirt stuck between many of the strands, and an awful stench emanated from the object. Disgusted, Henry tossed the vile thing behind him and focused his efforts on locating his enemy. After finding a few of the nearest rooms to be empty, Josey decided to switch tactics. He spotted a map, which he used to locate the House and Senate Chambers. He knew he would find what he was looking for in one of these two historic rooms.
He got lost a few times, but Josey eventually arrived outside of the Senate Chamber. He had been a bit disappointed when his search of the House Chamber proved to be fruitless, but he could tell that he was finally in the right place. There were piles of blue feathers all around the entrance, and he could hear squawkings from within the room. Henry threw open the doors and strode into the chamber, sending a flock of startled jayhawks into the air.
Most of them fled the premises immediately, but a few were bold enough to challenge Missouri's star running back. Two of them attempted to dive-bomb Henry, but he clipped them both with powerful backhands that sent the fictional fowl tumbling. Another bird, seeing a supposed opening in Josey's defenses, darted in and took a swipe with it's ugly red talons. The sharp points made contact with Henry's shoulder and shattered. "Fools, you know it's impossible for a jayhawk to harm a Tiger." Josey boasted, grabbing the injured bird by the legs. He threw the creature head first at the remaining jayhawks, who took the hint and high-tailed it out of the Capitol.
"You did it!" A voice called out from underneath a desk. "You drove those horrendous birds away!" Henry stepped around to the side of the desk that the voice was greeted by none other than Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
"Senator Reid! What was going on here?"
"It was awful." Reid said. "We were about to sign off on a bill that would put an end to this silly shutdown, when all of a sudden that flock of jayhawks burst into the chamber and started attacking us." Josey gasped.
"Why would a flock of jayhawks be here in DC?" He asked. "They usually stick to that desolate wasteland west of Missouri."
"They were sent here." Reid explained. "That fool of a football coach knew that a furlough would shift the nation's focus away from his horrible team. We assume that he did so in an attempt to maintain some sort of job security, but we aren't completely sure."
"That's terrible!" Henry exclaimed.
"It is, and now that the threat has been taken care of we can take appropriate action against the perpetrators." Reid said as he reached for the red phone on the wall. He got halfway before Josey put his hand on the senator's shoulder.
"Just leave them be, sir." The running back said. Reid was taken aback.
"What do you mean? Someone has to pay for this!" Reid yelled. Josey shook his head.
"I have a lot of experience in dealing with these guys. Provoking them will only make them more annoying." Harry Reid smiled, and clapped Henry on the back.
"I suppose you would know much more about this than I." He said as he and Josey exited the chamber. "I'll trust your judgement on this one, Henry."
"Thank you, sir." Josey laughed. "Besides, sending them back to kansas is punishment enough. Have you seen that pile of crap out there?"