Posted: 11:52 a.m. Friday, Sept. 6, 2013
Last week, Mark Richt lost control of my perfect week of SEC picks, putting me at 9-1 on the young season. This week, he gets a chance to bounce back in a big way against a quality foe. The rest of the conference? Well, Wilford Brimley knows the consequences of having too many cupcakes.
(All times listed are Central.)
Last week Sakerlina looked good against a vastly outmatched opponent, while Mark Richt derped away a game he normally doesn't derp away until November. Will Jadeveon Clowney bounce back from a quiet first game? Will Georgia's team finally display the discipline it needs to compete for the SEC championship? Can Aaron Murray give his center herpes just by placing his hands in compromising places to receive the snap? Do you think that prison violence temporarily decreases during Georgia games? South Carolina definitely has the talent to beat the Dawgs in Athens, but history tells us that the SEC East tends to beat each other out of contention.
The pick: Aaron Murray's wingman Saturday night
Before ESPN started declaring an annual "GAME OF THE CENTURY ZOMG! LOLCATZ!," Florida-Miami was the matchup that everyone circled on the calendar. Lately, however, there has been a three-way (including FSU) tickle fight for state superiority. Could it be that the winds are changing once again? Florida is fielding a defense that is second to none, Miami looks to be rebuilding (so long as the NCAA doesn't sell it for parts), and even Florida State has put its hope in a young phenom quarterback. I think this game ultimately goes the Gator's way, but a strong showing can put Miami back on the map.
The pick: Aaron Hernandez' prison tailgate party
Motorcycle and butt enthusiast Bobby Petrino returned to the SEC victoriously last week with a big win over Kentucky. This week, he rolls the dice against his former conference again with a trip to Neyland Stadium. The Vols, like our own Auburn Tigers, are still recovering from the mismanagement of a woefully inept coach. Big Orange didn't break a sweat against Austin Peay, but the Hilltoppers provide a little more of a test. At the end of the day, I just cant imagine any deity allowing Robert P. Petrino to start the season 2-0.
The pick: Enthusiasts of rectal imbibing
It seemed like everyone got on board the "Toledo is going to upset Florida" bandwagon last week, only to have the stifling Florida defense make everyone look silly. Toledo is still a solid team, and Missouri won't be fielding anything resembling the Bataan Death March that is the Gator defense.
The pick: This guy
Fun Fact: In 2000, the UAB Blazers upset LSU in Baton Rouge during Nick Saban's first year as the Tigers' head coach. This is why he has been secretly pushing the UA Board of Trustees to screw UAB out of every little thing that could make the Blazers athletically competitive once again. #SOURCES
The pick: Men who wear Eau de Corndog
Last week proved that everyone needs to stop comparing "CamGate2K10" and "AutographGate2K13." In the midst of swirling rumors, innuendo and personal attacks, Cam Newton found respite and peace on the football field during his title run. Nothing else seemed to matter during those 60 glorious minutes every Saturday. This is not the case with Johnny Football. It became painfully clear last week that JFF has embraced his role as a cartoon villain. He's not looking for respite, he's telling his detractors to go straight to hell with every snap he takes. I don't know where this is all going to lead for Manziel and aTm, but it's going to make for some must-watch television.
The pick: Dr. Lou being outraged at JFF's celebrations
Auburn legend and 1972 Heisman winner Pat Sullivan is the coach of the Samford Bulldogs football team. Hey! Remember that UAB upset of LSU that I mentioned a couple of paragraphs up? Sullivan was the offensive coordinator for that Blazers team. While we'd all love to see fortune smile upon him against the Razorbacks, we all know the likelihood of that.
The pick: Arky fans who've been waiting a while to beat any kind of Bulldogs team.
Despite having one of the only bird-centric logos that actually looks kind of badass, the Redhawks are going to want to forget this weekend sooner than later. Ole Miss got the big win over conference
power foe Vanderbilt last week, while SE Missouri was losing to a direction school in Louisiana to the tune of 45-7. The Rebel Black Bear Ackbars can name their score.
The pick: BRO Wallace
No one has cared much about Miami of Ohio since Ben Roethlisberger was under center. They may be playing a pretty weak Kentucky team, but the Redhawks -- yes, more Redhawks -- may very well get the "Big Ben in a bar bathroom" treatment when they travel to Lexington on Saturday. We humbly suggest you mow your lawn, clean out your fridge or hug your children during this game.
The pick: Ashley Judd's cleavage
The official motto of Austin Peay State University: "Find your place in the world."
The official motto of Vanderbilt University: "Beat the hell out of Austin Peay this weekend."
The pick: Math enthusiasts
Alcorn State gave us Air McNair and Alex Haley (the man who wrote Roots). Mississippi State gave us Vick Ballard face-planting into a camera at the NFL combine. Props to both.
The pick: Will damn Clark
Whimsical game show, or how five-star recruits get to Tuscaloosa for official visits?