Posted: 4:30 p.m. Friday, Aug. 23, 2013
By Matt Borcas
Since then, we've been tragically deprived of any new GIF-worthy instances featuring a Buckeye linebacker smashing an opposing player into the ground. Alas. Winter was unbearable and long, spring was mostly a drag, and summer was ravaged by a deathly plant, our fearless leader among his many victims. We should all pat ourselves on the back MULTIPLE TIMES for enduring such a ruthless stretch of hardship! (/pats self on back) (/pats self on back again) (/suddenly feels merry and bright!)
Fortunately, there's light at the end of the tunnel. With just eight days - say it with me one more time: EIGHT days - until kickoff against those pesky Buffalo Bulls, football season is finally nigh. The leaves are starting to turn (well, not really), OSU's campus is overrun with construction (this would be true for any date in history), and fall is in the air! OK, maybe not, but the Buckeyes will take the field next Saturday, and I am not one to let a few technicalities get in the way of some good autumnal fun. To celebrate, among other things, Kerry Coombs's return to the sidelines, here are the happenings you may have missed from the week that was.
FRESHMEN. Freshmen everywhere.They travel in packs, occupying entire streets at a time. Moreover, they have no idea where the hell they're supposed to be going, which exacerbates their inherent annoyingness by roughly 1,000,000. (This is especially evident when they're holding a HUGE-ASS MAP in front of their face and walk straight into you. It's like, Hey, Lewis & Clark, you can find a much smaller and more up-to-date version of that on your cellular device!) Whatever. The world won't be safe until Coombs pens a comprehensive scouting report on freshmen.
HEY MICKEY! HEY! HEY! HEY MICKEY!Superstar linebacker-to-be Mike Mitchell's brother, Mickey, committed to OSU yesterday - to play small forward for Thad Matta. Perhaps you're wondering how this is relevant to the upcoming football season. Two reasons: 1) All freshmen eventually get homesick at some point, and if the freshman in question is on the football team, feelings of homesickness will cause their performance to suffer. However, since Mike Mitchell knows that his brother will eventually be joining him in Columbus, he will likely avoid this dilemma. 2) Mickey, who's also a quarterback, had a football offer from Kansas, and a hallmark of modern college football is Charlie Weis losing at something.
SPEAKING OF MICKEYS...Read this profile of OSU strength coach (technically the "assistant athletic director for football sports performance") Mickey Marotti, if only for the hilarious visual provided by Jack Mewhort when he recounts Marotti's first experience with the players.
GIRLS LOVE AARON CRAFT.The previous link will take you to the latest OSU iteration of the harrowing Twitter sensation that's sweeping the nation. It allows OSU students (or anyone, really) to anonymously submit their campus crushes, and Aaron Craft is on the receiving end of approximately 25% of them. Ladies, he's taken!
LAW ABIDING CITIZEN.Bradley Roby's disorderly conduct charge has been dismissed, proving that truth and justice always win out over time. The scourge of the Bloomington, Indiana PD has been exterminated from Roby Island, hallelujah!
Have a great weekend, everyone.