10 of the most depressing Christmas songs of all time

Published: Tuesday, December 05, 2017 @ 4:45 PM

Here is the thing to keep in mind about the depressing song, which is a category of craft unto itself: Some are absolute garbage and some are actually really good songs.

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Here are 10 of both kinds.

Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

For 33 years (hey, it’s the age of Christ now! Mazel tov, terrible song!), this emotional tire fire has animated not just the Scroogiest loathing of the most ebullient holiday enthusiast, but also a not-inconsiderable amount of guilt. It’s mawkish and ham-fisted and manipulative, but it is also about starving children in Africa, so you feel lousy about sneering at it. But it really is (purposefully) nightmare inducing, with lines such as: “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime” (Wait, was there supposed to be? If not, weren’t African Christians uses to a snowless Christma--look, nevermind) and “But when you’re having fun/ There’s a world outside your window/and it’s a world of dread and fear” (I mean, fair enough). The gnarliest job went to Bono, at that time ascending into his role as rock’s scold-in-chief, who got trolled really hard by songwriters Bob Geldof and Midge Ure when he was forced to sing the hyper-ironic line “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”. Probably much more of a radio burden in the UK than here -- tonight thank God it’s them instead of you. (JG)

Dolly Parton, "Hard Candy Christmas"

The thing about Saint Dolly’s most famous holiday tune is that it’s sort of a reverse “Catcher In the Rye.” Stick with me. You have to read that book when you’re 17, or else it’s unbearably annoying, what with Holden’s angst-indulgence walkabout. “Hard Candy Christmas” is inconceivably depressing if you’re a kid -- “Maybe I’ll hit the bars”! -- but as an adult, it’s the realist’s choice of carol. Pass the apple wine, Dolly. Stuff sucks. (EW)

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Marvin Gaye, "I Want To Come Home For Christmas"

Written in the early ’70s despair-haze of the Vietnam War, Gaye collaborated with songwriter Forest Hairston. Hairston was futzing around with a song about the war, and Gaye was toying with the idea of a holiday song. So they birthed this, a Christmas song, complete with a (possibly obligatory) spoken middle, from the perspective of a P.O.W. Gaye struggled to get the thing released, but Motown found it a leeeeettle too real and vaulted it. It didn’t see the light of day until years after Gaye’s tragic death. In typical Gaye fashion, there’s emotional complexity -- “If I can't make it home in time/ I know you'll be keeping my spirit bright/ By wearing my name and trying to stop this fight/ Ah, but I'd give anything to see you the family/ And that little Christmas tree.” Brilliant, per usual. R.I.P. to one of the all time greats. (JG)

Newsong, “The Christmas Shoes”

Pack it up, load the car and leave your forwarding address. This schmaltz-bomb is the king of depressing(ly awful) Christmas songs. Ostensibly, “Christmas Shoes” is a parable about sacrificial giving, modeling the love of Jesus Christ, etc. All good things! Reasons for the season! (It’s also about the miracles of capitalism, maybe?) I listened to Christian radio in the early 2000s, and this joint was omnipresent. And somehow, it gained holiday immortality, despite the fact that it is utter ear-napalm. First: The narrative is all over the place. How close to death, exactly, is the mother in the song? Why is this kid spending mom’s last hours running around what I can only assume is a Kohl’s, or perhaps a Mervyn’s? What kind of shoes are we talking? Is the child trying to make this poor, infirm woman squeeze her feet into some plastic Payless heels on her deathbed? What kind of con is this kid running? Second: Are we supposed to celebrate the narrator’s begrudging generosity? Our hero watched the kid count pennies before reaching into his wallet to shell out some cheddar. So, essentially, he waited until the last possible minute to help an obviously impoverished child, only until the transaction had taken what “seemed like years.” Have a pat on the back, I guess. Third: The song manages to strain at the bar of “sound that comes out of a Hallmark card that plays music when you open it.” Oppressively depressing treacle. (EW)

UPDATE: The music video, as has been pointed out, contains scenes from the made-for-TV movie of the same name. This will either clear up the narrative or make it much more muddled. It will, certainly, make you thankful for Rob Lowe.

Celtic Thunder, “Christmas 1915” 

Here’s another one about war -- as you perhaps might imagine from a band called Celtic Thunder, it’s less cool than the Gaye song. The tune is, of course, about the legendary Christmas truce during World War I. Not a bad topic, but unfortunately, some seriously cluncky lyrics get in the way: “They left their trenches and we left ours/ Beneath tin hats the smiles bloomed like wild flowers.” Yowch. (JG)

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Sufjan Stevens, “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!”

Whaddya want, it’s all in the title, man. Sufjan Stevens -- he of sexually ambiguous, religious-themed folk music and recently of the “Call Me By Your Name” soundtrack -- is also the undisputed champ of Christmas song prolificacy (I had to look that word up). The man’s the O. Henry of Christmas songs! And sure enough, a few of them are weepies. This one contains both the lyrics “Our father yells/Throwing gifts in the wood stove, wood stove” and “Silent night/Nothing feels right,” so just crawl under the blanket now. (EW)

John Prine, “Christmas in Prison” 

Here’s the thing: If you don’t tear up at least once during any given John Prine album, you might not actually be alive. This heartbreaker dates from Prine’ still-stunning 1973 album “Sweet Revenge,” where it has the extraordinary distinction of being a merely good song in the middle of an album full of great ones. Our man is sitting in prison, dreaming of his love, direct and specific in Prine’s hallmark way: “It's Christmas in prison, there'll be music tonight/ I'll probably get homesick, I love you, good night.” Listen and spare a thought for the fact that America’s incarceration rate is the highest in the world -- more than 2 million Americans will be spending Christmas in prison. (JG)

Red Sovine, “Faith in Santa (Billy’s Christmas Wish).” 

To paraphrase a great line from “A Christmas Story,” West Virginia singer-songwriter Red Sovine worked the simpering tear-jerker country ballad the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium. To wit: This is a song about Billy, a tiny runaway who dashes into the arms of a local Santa, telling a tale of woe. Dad’s in jail, mom can’t stay out of the bars and new step-dad beats them both while hammered. Then, in Santa’s arms at last, the kid dies. If you like your Christmas songs cut with a heaping spoonful of Southern Protestant Calvinism, well, look no further. (JG)

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Andy Williams, “Little Altar Boy”

Like me, you might be most familiar with this mournful piece of musical self-flagellation from the Carpenters’ 1984 version. Karen Carpenter’s flawless pipes are up to the job of hiding the lyrics; not so for Andy Williams, who recorded his version of the Vic Dana song in 1965. Basically, it’s about some creep unloading all his guilt on some poor, unsuspecting kid whose mom probably signed him up for a church gig when he’d rather be, I don’t know, playing kickball. Carpenter’s take is mournful and motherly; Williams’ sounds way too leering, and that’s all we’ll say about that. As I was reared in the evangelical church, I am perhaps behind on the intricacies of an altar boy’s duties. I’m pretty sure that they don’t include absolving sin. (EW)

The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York.” 

Look, you can talk smack about how silly the Pogues are all you like: This thing is a straight-up standard. According to legend, this classic arose out of a bet between one Irishman (Elvis Costello) and two others (Pogues singer Shane McGowan and banjoist Jim Finer) that the latter two couldn’t write a decent Christmas song. So they CRUSHED it. Riding the thin line between corny and moving in the most Irish way possible, its sing-along-while -hammered potential near infinite, featuring singers who are in 2017 no longer with us or a pale shadow of their former selves, “Fairytale of New York” haunts best-pop-Christmas-song ever lists. There’s a reason: It’s the best kind of emotional wipeout, concerning two Irish immigrants to America who have become drunks and addicts (the “old slut on junk”) who are terrible for each other yet cannot stay away, broken on the wheel that is New York (“They've got cars big as bars/They've got rivers of gold/But the wind goes right through you/It's no place for the old”). MacGowan’s part is rich and raw, but it’s Kirsty MacColl’s gutsy voice that sells the thing. An ode to wasted potential, the slog of addiction and miserable Christmases everywhere, few songs have ever said God bless us EVERYONE as perfectly. (JG)

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Craig Mack, 'Flava in Ya Ear' rapper, dead at 46

Published: Tuesday, March 13, 2018 @ 5:21 AM

Remembering Craig Mack

Rapper Craig Mack is dead at 46, the New York Daily News is reporting.

>> PHOTOS: Notable deaths in 2018

>> Read more trending news 

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Smashing Pumpkins reunite for tour

Published: Thursday, February 15, 2018 @ 1:12 PM

FILE PHOTO: Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins performs in concert at The Beacon Theatre on April 4, 2016 in New York City.  (Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images)
Noam Galai/Getty Images
FILE PHOTO: Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins performs in concert at The Beacon Theatre on April 4, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images)(Noam Galai/Getty Images)

The Smashing Pumpkins will return to the stage this summer with their first tour in nearly 20 years to feature founding members Billy Corgan, Jimmy Chamberlin and James Iha.

The “Shiny and Oh So Bright” tour coincides with the 30th anniversary of the Pumpkins’ formation and will highlight music from the group’s inception through 2000, with material from “Gish,” “Siamese Dream,” “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness,” “Adore” and “Machina.”

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Longtime Smashing Pumpkins guitarist Jeff Schroeder will also participate in the live shows, as the band will present a three-guitar lineup to “better emulate the signature tones and textures of their albums.”

Earlier this week, the band hinted at the upcoming tour with a statement regarding original bassist D’arcy Wretzky:

“In reuniting The Smashing Pumpkins, the band’s dedication remains to its fans and its music. To that, James Iha, Jimmy Chamberlin, and William Corgan haven’t played a show with D’arcy Wretzky for over 18 years. But it’s not for a lack of trying. For despite reports, Ms. Wretzky has repeatedly been invited out to play with the group, participate in demo sessions, or at the very least, meet face-to-face, and in each and every instance she always deferred. We wish her all the best, and look forward to reconnecting with you all very soon.”


Smashing Pumpkins 2018 North American Tour Dates

July 12, 2018 Glendale, Ariz., Gila River Arena

July 14, 2018 Oklahoma City, Chesapeake Energy Arena

July 16, 2018 Austin, Texas, Frank Erwin Center

July 17, 2018 Houston, Toyota Center

July 18, 2018 Dallas, American Airlines Center

July 20, 2018 Nashville, Tenn., Bridgestone Arena

July 21, 2018 Louisville, Ky., KFC Yum! Center

July 22, 2018 Atlanta, Infinite Energy Arena

July 24, 2018 Miami, AmericanAirlines Arena

July 25, 2018 Tampa, Fla., Amalie Arena

July 27, 2018 Baltimore, Royal Farms Arena

July 28, 2018 Philadelphia, Wells Fargo Center

July 29, 2018 Uncasville, Conn., Mohegan Sun Arena

July 31, 2018 Boston, TD Garden

August 01, 2018 New York City, Madison Square Garden

August 04, 2018 Pittsburgh, PPG Paints Arena

August 05, 2018 Detroit, Little Caesars Arena

August 07, 2018 Montreal, Centre Bell

August 08, 2018 Toronto, Air Canada Centre

August 11, 2018 Columbus, Ohio, Schottenstein Center

August 13, 2018 Chicago, United Center

August 16, 2018 Kansas City, Mo., Sprint Center

August 17, 2018 Indianapolis, Bankers Life Fieldhouse

August 19, 2018 St. Paul, Minn., Xcel Energy Center

August 20, 2018 Omaha, Neb., CenturyLink Center

August 21, 2018 Sioux Falls, S.D., Denny Sanford Premier Center

August 24, 2018 Seattle, KeyArena

August 25, 2018 Portland, Ore., Moda Center

August 27, 2018 Oakland, Calif., Oracle Arena

August 28, 2018 Sacramento, Calif., Golden 1 Center

August 30, 2018 Los Angeles, The Forum

September 01, 2018 San Diego, Viejas Arena

September 02, 2018 Las Vegas, T-Mobile Arena

September 04, 2018 Salt Lake City, Vivint Smart Home Arena

September 05, 2018 Denver, Pepsi Center

September 07, 2018 Boise, Idaho, Ford Idaho Center

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Paul Simon announces farewell tour

Published: Monday, February 05, 2018 @ 11:07 AM

What You Need To Know About Paul Simon

Legendary musician Paul Simon announced Monday that he plans to retire from touring over the summer.

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Simon, 76, said he will kick off his “Homeward Bound – The Farewell Tour” on May 16 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The tour will wind through the U.S. and Europe before coming to an end July 15 in London. 

“I’ve often wondered what it would feel like to reach the point where I’d consider bringing my performing career to a natural end,” Simon wrote in a statement posted Monday on Twitter. “Now I know: it feels a little unsettling, a touch exhilarating and something of a relief.”

He said the decision came after the death of his friend and lead guitarist Vincent N’guini, who died in December.

“His loss is not the only reason I’ve decided to stop touring, but it is a contributing factor,” Simon said. “Mostly, though, I feel the travel and time away from my wife and family takes a toll that detracts from the joy of playing.”

Simon said that despite his retirement from touring, he’ll likely continue to perform occasionally “in a (hopefully) acoustically pristine hall … to donate those earnings to various philanthropic organizations, particularly those whose objective is to save the planet, ecologically.”

The following tour dates were announced Monday:

May 16Vancouver, British Columbia, CanadaRogers Arena
May 18SeattleKey Arena
May 19Portland, OregonMODA Center
May 22Los AngelesHollywood Bowl
May 23Los AngelesHollywood Bowl
May 25Oakland, CaliforniaOracle Arena
May 27Las VegasMGM Grand Garden Arena
May 30DenverFiddler’s Green
June 1DallasAmerican Airlines Arena
June 2HoustonToyota Center
June 4Austin, TexasFrank Erwin Center
June 6ChicagoUnited Center
June 8St. Paul, MinnesotaXcel Energy Center
June 10DetroitDTE Energy Center
June 12Toronto, Ontario, CanadaAir Canada Centre
June 13Montreal, Quebec, CaadaBell Centre
June 15BostonTD Garden
June 16PhiladelphiaWells Fargo Center
June 19Greensboro, North CarolinaGreensboro Coliseum
June 20Nashville, TennesseeBridgestone Arena
June 30StockholmEricsson Globe
July 1Oslo, NorwaySpektrum
July 3Copenhagen, DenmarkRoyal Arena
July 5Antwerp, BelgiumSportpaleis
July 7Amsterdam, HollandZiggo Dome
July 10Manchester, United KingdomManchester Arena
July 11Glasgow, United KingdomSSE Hydro
July 13DublinRDS Arena
July 15LondonHyde Park, BST Festival

Simon has earned 16 Grammy Awards over a career that has spanned more than six decades. In 2003, he and Art Garfunkel were awarded a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award for their work as the folk rock duo “Simon & Garfunkel.”

Simon has sold more than 100 million records across the globe. He is a member of the Songwriters and the Rock ‘n’ Roll halls of fame.

Tickets for Paul Simon’s “Homeward Bound – The Farewell Tour” will go on sale in the U.S. at 10 a.m. on Feb. 9.

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Ed Sheeran announces engagement to Cherry Seaborn

Published: Saturday, January 20, 2018 @ 1:01 PM

What You Need To Know: Ed Sheeran

Musician Ed Sheeran is engaged to childhood friend Cherry Seaborn.

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Sheeran announced the news of his engagement Saturday on Instagram. The engagement took place just before the new year. The couple have lived together for over a year, The Telegraph reported.

The pair have been longtime friends and attended school together, but were not childhood sweethearts.


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